Mating Season
by Jack Hamataro Kamiya
Summary: Who wants to read a crackfic written by a sick guy on cold medication about the stallions and colts of Ponyville fleeing in terror during mating season? Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking either. Join us in this really long one shot as we follow various main and background characters in this strange little trip. Not a clopfic.


I revised this for spelling error and to make this a little easier to read.

Sick, not able to work, so I wrote this after a My Little Pony marathon… the cold medicine and my sicken state might explain a lot now that I look at this. Think of this as a crackfic of sorts and some random inspiration fueled by my ADHD medication and cold medicine.

All rights belong to Lauren Faust and Hasbro.

* * *

**Mating Season:**

What is this Author doing with his Life?

A train rolled into the Ponyville Station. It was a beautiful day outside, not unusual for Ponyville. Aside from the occasional apocalyptic situations – real or imagined – it was nice pleasant town in the valley below the mountains that Canterlot sat on.

It was why one stallion who was picking up his saddlebag had chosen to raise his family in this small town away from the big season.

"You sure you want to get off here?" asked the conductor.

"Yes, I live here," chuckled the stallion.

"Sir, I am required by law to inform you that mating season in this town should be this week. You know how these small rural towns are. Mostly mares and not enough stallions. Things get ugly."

The stallion laughed. "I'm married and permanently-mated. I should be fine."

"I need you to sign this release saying you're not holding me or the Royal Railway responsible for what happens the moment you step off the train."

"Geez, you guys," said the stallion rolling his eyes. Once he signed the document he stepped off the train. He was supposed to be heading to Manehatten for a business trip. He was always on the road and he thought what better way to surprise his wife than rent a hotel room for a special night during Mating Season. He felt like such a smart pony… until.

"Stallion!"

"Get him!"

"No! He's mine!"

"I didn't get one last season!"

"AGGHH!" screamed the stallion as he made a run for the train. The conductor saw the mob of mares who had apparently staked out the station for any poor unsuspecting stallions. He slammed the door shut and the train immediately pulled out to get as far away as possible. Hopefully a town where the season had passed already.

The stallion desperately looked for safety. He tried the ticket window, but the poor stallion in there had welded steel bars and barricaded the door.

"Let me in!"

"Hell, no! You're on our own," said the stallion shaking in fear as he was effectively trapped there until the season passed.

The stallion tried to pry open the door until he saw ominous shadows form on the wall. He turned and stared into the hormonal eyes of several dozen mares. His back to the wall he wondered what would happen to him. He suddenly realized he should have had his wife meet him at the station.

Mating Season could be a calm and civilized event in the major cities where there were plenty of stallions and colts, but in the smaller rural towns like Ponyville, males were barely 40 percent of the population and this left many desperate females attacking the men who lived in the town. This forced many to hide making the season even more a time of dread for the male minority.

"Uh, hi ladies, how are you?" asked the stallion lamely. "Uh, I'm married!"

"Oh no, we're not falling for that again," said a pegasus.

"Don't worry. This won't hurt," said another mare with a grin that suggested it might. This was the most terrifying part of the season. Once they cornered a male, all sense and higher brain function flew out the window.

"Uh, is that Big Macintosh over there?!" he shouted desperately pointing towards a random direction.

"We're not falling for that either. Everypony knows he has hiding place he never leaves until the season passes by," said a purple earth pony. Judging by her scowl, she was probably one of the mares that tried to hunt down Ponyville's most desirable stallion.

"Shouldn't you be teaching class?" asked the stallion realizing that it was his son's teacher.

"Screw that! I'm getting laid this year!" shouted Miss Cheerilee. She froze and leaned in and stiffed. "Damnit! He wasn't lying."

"Are you sure?" asked a blue unicorn. "I've heard stallions are trying a scented spray to make it seem like they have a perma-mate."

"Dr. Colgate, you're my dentist! You've met my wife and sons!"

"Oh… yeah… how are you Mr. Mash?" asked Colgate.

"I've been better. Can I go? I came to surprise my wife."

"Aww, that's so sweet of you," said Cheerilee. "Well we'll let you go and sorry about the almost raping you thing."

No hint of irony.

"I'm gonna' get out of here," said Mr. Mash.

"Okay, don't forget your check up next month," called Colgate.

"Damnit," said Carrot Top kicking a rock. "Not w'at are we gonna' do y'all?"

"We can try to get to him," suggested Colgate pointing to the station master. She trotted to the steel bars and smiled seductively. "Come on, I promise we'll be gentle."

"Don't make me get my mace!" shouted the terrified stallion.

"Free dental care for the year?"

"I'm not taking that offer ever again! Last time I woke up a week later in some hotel in Las Pegasus and a tattoo I had to pay a lot of money to get removed!"

Coltage grabbed the bars and tried to rip them off causing the whole building to shake. "LET ME BUCKING IN YOU BASTARD! YOU WILL NOT DENY A MARE!"

"Ah! Princess Celestia overturned that law decades ago during the Stallion Suffrage Movement!" said the station master as he started to reinforce the barricade.

"AAARRRGGHHH!"

"Hey look, stallion up in that cloud!"

"He's mine!" shouted several pegasi as they raced off.

* * *

_Elsewhere_

Mating season varied. It usually occurred in the late spring or summer. It was a time for when fillies and mares looked for a colt or stallion to mate with. Some looked for a particular mate and others looked for whatever poor man they found first. Mating was an ancient tradition that was instinctual in every filly born in Equestria and usually began when they reached age 10. Mating was by no means meant that two ponies would be together forever. For that there was permanent mating, or perma-mating, where the mare marked a stallion as theirs by leaving their scent alerting all others he belonged to somepony. Marriage was a more modern concept that made the forming of families had a legal structure, but no law could do anything about the annual rush of hormones that terrorized so many every year.

Therefore the only stallions that dared to walk the streets were all ready perma-mated.

"Geez, I'm glad I don't have to deal with that anymore," said Mr. Cake as he looked out the window.

"Heeeeeeeellllpppp meeeeeeee!" screamed Noteworthy as group of mares chased him.

"Hehe, I remember those days," said Mrs. Cake. "Ah, to be young again."

"Yeah…," said Mr. Cake remembering how his wife had slipped sleeping pills into a cupcake one mating season and fed it to him. He woke up soar and covered in bite marks and in a strange place. It was more of a traumatic memory than a fond one.

"Psst."

Mr. Cake looked around and saw Carmel.

"Carrot, please. You have to hide me," he whispered.

"Sweet Celestia, Carmel, what happened to you?" asked Carrot as he opened a window for the stallion to crawl into.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie happened to me," he said. He shuttered. "She went five rounds before I passed out."

"Oh my, you poor deary," said Mrs. Cake. "I'll get you some tea."

"Thanks Mrs. Cake," said Carmel. Perma-mated mares usually mellowed out and tended not to go after other stallions. And Carmel was reasonably sure that she wouldn't rat out his location either.

"How did you get those marks?" asked Mr. Cake.

"She… likes to use a whip," said Carmel. His eyes crossed and his lip quivered as he started to remember.

"It's okay now. You're safe here," said Mr. Cake hugging the poor stallion. "I'll hide you in the cellar."

"Really? Thanks Carrot, you're the best!" cried Carmel.

"Is that a stallion?"

Both turned and saw through the window a group of mares.

"Run boy!" screamed Mr. Cake as he tried to put himself between the mares running for the door of the Sugarcube Corner and Carmel. Carmel screamed in terror and ran for the back door.

A second later the mares burst through the door. Carrot Cake attempted to block their path, but was trampled by the mob without them seeming to notice.

"Oh Carmel, deary, I have your tea-" said Cup Cake as she returned. "Oh my, did I miss something?"

"Ugh… help me."

"Hmmm, we haven't done it on the floor since we were teenagers."

"If we do, can I get some ice for my back… and face… and the rest of me?"

"Of course, dear," said Cup with an affectionate nuzzle.

* * *

_Thunderlane's House_

Thunderlane carefully peaked out the shades to see if his house was being watched.

"Big bro, I'm scared," said Rumble.

"Don't be little guy. As far as anyone we know knows, we're on our way to Vanhoover. I changed the locks so Flitter and Cloudchaser can't get in and I have enough food for us to hold out for a week," said Thunderlane confidently. He felt so clever for how prepared he was.

"But bro, why didn't we actually go to Vanhoover?"

There was silence. And then Thunderlane face-hoofed.

There was a knock on the door. Both pegasi held their breath. Then Thunderlane's phone rang.

"Hello? I can't hear you… uh, we're on a train to Vanhoover," lied Thunderland.

"Thunderlane, it's me Carmel. I'm in the bushes outside your house. Please, let me in," begged the blue stallion.

"Oh, okay. Hang on," said the black stallion. He turned to his brother. "Stay here. If I don't come back in 15 minutes, go to the panic room."

"I love you big bro," said Rumble.

"I love you too, little guy," said Thunderland ruffling his brother's mane before trotting to the back door. He slowly opened it a crack. "Psst, Carmel, you there?"

"I'm here, I think we're clear."

"Okay, move quick."

In a flash the stallion was inside.

"Oh thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" cried the stallion hugging Thunderlane.

"It's okay, buddy. You're safe here. Everypony thinks we went to Vanhoover."

"But why didn't you actually-"

"Look, do you want a place to hide or not!" shouted Thunderlane.

"Sorry, don't put me back out there. Vinyl was out there and you know how she can get... she got me last year… several times."

The stallion started to sob.

"Let it all out, man. There's no shame," said Thunderlane.

* * *

_The Hooves's House_

"Here Doctor, I made muffins," said Derpy.

"Why thank you, Derpy. You make the best muffins ever," said Doctor Whooves. He took a large bite that made Derpy smile widely.

"Bye mom, I'm heading out for the season," Derpy's eldest daughter Sparkler.

"Okay, have fun sweetie and be home by dark," said Derpy.

"The season?"

"Yeah, mating season. It's this week," said Dinky who was packing rope, duct tape, and a tranquillizer gun into her saddlebag.

"Aww, my little muffin all grown up. Going out on her first mating hunt," said Derpy proudly. "Let me get a camera."

"Okay, but hurry mom. I want to find Pipsqueak before the other fillies find him."

The Doctor started to realize what was happening… and that he was in the same building as an unmarried mare. He started to get up and slowly move towards the basement for his TARDIS while Derpy took a picture of her youngest daughter.

"And remember muffin, use the family's eyes. They may laugh at me, but I can see nearly in all directions. Like how the Doctor his trying to sneak away behind my back, but he won't get far because I spiked that muffin."

"Did you what?!" screamed the Doctor as his eyesight started to get blurry.

"Wow, mom. That's amazing."

Derpy giggled and then grinned evilly. "I'm just a mare who knows what she wants. Now run along and get your first mate. I'm gonna' take care of business here."

"Yay! We're gonna' have a daddy again," cheered Dinky as she bounced out the door.

* * *

_Meanwhlie_

Scootaloo was racing down the streets on her scooter. She came to a halt when she saw a familiar face.

"Hey, Applebloom, any luck?"

The red maned earth pony scowled. "Nah, Ah ain't gotten one yet. Ah almost got Pipsqueak, but then Dinky showed up and teleported him away."

"Wow, that's pretty advance magic," said Scootaloo.

"Yeah, well, she teleported him away, but not herself. An' we don't know where she sent him," grumbled Applebloom. "How about y'all?"

"I got a hold of Featherweight."

"And?"

Scootaloo shrugged. "Eh, I can do better. Pretty disappointing to be honest. I left him tied up for Silver Spoon… I think we're friends now."

"Well that's somethin'," said Applebloom nonchalantly. "We should'a done this as a group."

"Yeah, but Sweetie already had a mate in mind. We both knew that."

"So lucky. How hard can gettin' Button Mash be?" chuckled Applebloom.

Scootaloo laughed too. "Yeah, with her looks and love of gaming he'll be putty in her hooves and she'll know exactly where to find him."

Both fillies were sure that Sweetie Belle would get her colt with no problems.

* * *

_The Mash's House_

And of course that was a nice transition to the next section.

Milano Mash sat in the living room of her home enjoying a nice relaxing game, which involved bloody murder and complete savagery that we gamers just seem to love. The Mash Family were all gamers. Milano had once been a voice actress and her husband worked in sales and her eldest son in game development. She already knew her youngest son would go to work in the industry. Button had even made a few crude text RPGs.

Then her phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Milano, guess where I am?"

"Manehatten, dear. Where I am too, stealing a car and beating up this old lady for it," said Milano nonchalantly.

"Ooo, have you seen the new DLC for that game yet?" asked Platform Mash excitedly.

"Yes, and it's so much fun," said Milano with her typical calmness.

"But seriously, I'm playing a little hooky and I rented us a room," said Platform.

"Oh really?" asked Milano seductively.

"Care to join me?"

"Hehe, just give me half an hour to get ready."

She hung up. She was happy and more than a little excited she wouldn't have to spend another Mating Season alone again. All she had to was get ready and head out. She trotted upstairs and passed her son's room. She froze.

Her eldest was in Canterlot safely away, but her youngest was here and unattached. What was she to do? Button wasn't social or popular, but she knew what it was like when she was a filly and knew the risks of living him alone. As hypocritical was it may sound, the mares may hunt down unattached stallions like wild game, but if they had sons of their own they tended to get very protective and some even locked them up to keep them safe.

But she had her own needs too.

She opened her son's door and entered.

"Button?"

"Yeah mom?" asked Button who was half listening, half destroying his enemies.

"I have to go out for a bit. I may be gone a while, but I'll bring you something to eat for lunch and I'll leave you dinner just in case. But I need to promise me something very important."

"Yeah, mom?" Button still wasn't really listening.

"I need you to promise me no matter what you won't stop playing your games, leave your room, and go outside today," said Milano sternly. After several seconds of silence, she realized how incredibly stupid that was. "Uh, never mind, sweetie. Just keep playing your games all day and don't leave your room."

"Huh, wha? Really?" asked Button.

"Yes. Be a good boy and save the free world from the Templers," said Milano nuzzling her son.

"Okay mom!" said Button with a huge grin. And turned to the screen and in Humangion spoke, "With my mother's blessing I shall free the world of your tyrannical ways for ponykind and all I love!"

Milano smiled feeling secure that her son was safe from the ravaging mobs of mares and fillies. She left him food for the day, did up her mane and put on makeup, and left her house, all ready for a day with her husband.

When she was gone evil laughter could be hear from the bush across the street from her home. A white unicorn filly emerge grinning maliciously and rubbing her forehooves conspiratorially together. She trotted towards the door.

"This is too easy. I thought I'd have to sneak in through a window or something. But now nothing will be between me and my sweet little gaming companion," giggled Sweetie Belle. The young unicorn was out on her first mating season and she had a target in mind. She didn't bring restraints or chloroform like her sister in the past. She brought her computer and games with her. Besides, Button was usually willing to do what she wanted.

"I'm sorry, Button," said Sweetie Belle. She wasn't really. "I know I'm taking advantage that you trust me and that I was your first friend and that you don't have a lot of others you talk to, but I love you and you're mine. Bwahahahaha!"

She had planned this for a long time. It was all too perfect. Once you got past his strangeness, Button was a caring, loyal pony who was a lot of fun to hang out with. He didn't care about his cutie mark because he knew what he wanted to do and planned to live his dreams no matter what his mark was. His earnestness and determination had swept Sweetie Belle off her feet… er, hooves, and when she realized how she felt about him she plotted her first mating season almost a year in advance. First she had made sure she had no competition… which reminded her she needed to apologize to Twist.

_Heh, he can have fillies for friends after I secure him as mine_, she thought.

Secondly she slowly used more physically contact with him so he would be comfortable around her and not suspect anything when she made her move.

It was all perfect as she moved the doormat for the hidden key.

It was gone. There was a note in its place.

_Dear Sweetie Belle… or filly desperate enough,_

_Nice try. I had Princess Twilight cast a shield on my house years ago so it can only be opened with my keys which I took with me. My son is safe and you can't get to him. I've also soundproofed the house so he can't hear you._

_I will not allow any filly to take my son until I feel he is ready._

_Sincerely,_

_Milano Mash_

Sweetie Belle's face turned bright red in anger.

"Buck! Well if you think that's enough to get between me and my love, you have anything coming, Mrs. Mash. Nothing stops a member of the Unicorn Family when she's in the heat! That's what mom and Rarity always say," said Sweetie Belle confidently. She looked at the note again smirking. She took it as a challenge and in her mind dared Milano to do her worst. Then she noticed a postscript.

_PS: This note will self-destruct._

"Huh?"

Button looked up. He thought he saw a bright flash outside his window. He also thought he heard a high pitch scream of rage, but he shrugged and went back to his game.

* * *

_Thunderlane's House_

"Look, CC. I want to help, but I want to find myself a stallion and my keys clearly don't work," said Flitter.

"But they have to," whined Cloudchaser desperately as she continued to try to force the keys Flitter used to get into Thunderlane's house when she foalsat Rumble.

"CC, look at the lock. It's new. He must have changed it," sighed Flitter. She patted her twin sister on the head. She looked around hopefully for a stallion that might be sneaking around and instead saw the town lunatic pink partier.

"Hi, Pinkie Pie. What's with the ladder?" asked Flitter.

"Oh hi girls. I'm going to Pokey's house," said Pinkie with a giggle.

"Uh, why the ladder?" asked Cloudchaser.

"Oh, it's really simple," said Pinkie waving a hoof airily.

"It is?"

"Well obviously he's not just going to let me walk in the front door. But I doubt he thought to secure his chimney. So I need this to get on his roof," explained Pinkie like it was the most obvious thing to do.

Flitter put a hoof to her chin. "Hmmm, that's actually kinda' clev-"

Cloudchaser suddenly hugged Pinkie Pie excitedly. "Pinkie, you're a genius! I love you!"

Pinkie raised an eyebrow and pushed the pegasus away. "Uh, thanks CC, but contrary to what some people think, I don't swing that way… and if I did I'd probably buck Flitter."

"People?" asked Flitter confused. How could a fictional race of creatures that only Lyra believes in could know about them, let alone form opinions on their sexual orientations.

"What's wrong with me?" asked Cloudchaser offended.

"Nothing, but I prefer my mares more like Twilight or Fluttershy, if I was into them… though Fluttershy does have a nice flank," said Pinkie thoughtfully. She shrugged and trotted off.

"The nerve of some ponies," growled Cloudchaser.

"Just get your stallion."

"Oh right."

Cloudchaser flew up and then dive into the house through the chimney. Flitter heard three distinctive male screams and grew hopeful.

"Run guys!"

"But I can't leave you!"

"Carmel, take Rumble and get out! I don't want him to see what happens next!"

A few seconds later Carmel burst out of the front door carrying a screaming Rumble. Carmel saw Flitter and quickly changed direction. Flitter suddenly realized she let them get away and sighed.

"Oh well, I think Rumble has been traumatized enough," muttered Flitter.

* * *

_Meanwhile Above Ponville_

A blue stallion soared through the air. He smiled to himself. He hadn't been out for a leisurely flying session in forever. His tight schedule and celebrity life just made it impossible to be alone or have free time.

He saw a cloud and fluttered down to it. He pulled out a map realizing he wasn't sure where he was.

"Let's see. I see a river there and a lake there. Okay, then I must be right by Ponyville," said Soarin of the Wonderbolts. "Good, now I know where I am. Hmmm, Ponyville is famous for pies."

And then Soarin saw it. A pie. It was just sitting "innocently" on a cloud just below him. There was even a sign that said "Free Pie" next to it. Soarin licked his lips. If he had known what was happening in the town below him he would have realized he was heading into an obvious trap... though it should have been an obvious trap regardless. He landed on the cloud and started to chow down. It was delicious, but it had a funny after taste that he couldn't place.

"Hmmm… what is that taste? Mint? Cinnamon? … peppermint? … why is everythin' … gettish sho' blu'ry?" slurred the pegasus. He then passed out.

From the cloud a head poked out.

"Damn, I can't believe that worked. Hopefully I didn't get someone lame like Snowflake," said a blue mare with a colorful mane. "Now let's see who I hav- holy bucking shit!"

Rainbow Dash couldn't believe her luck. She had just caught a Wonderbolt, and Soarin. She sank to her needed and put her forehooves together.

"Dear High Goddess Fausticorn, I thank you for giving me stallion and for fulfilling my dreams. I'll see you this Sunday," said Rainbow as she crossed herself in prayer.

_A Little Later_

"Ugh, where am I?"

"Awake, are you?"

"Aggh!" screamed Soarin when he realized he was under the covers in a strange bed inside a cloud home with a mare.

"Easy there, big guy," said Rainbow rubbing her ears.

"Rainbow Dash, what are you doing?"

"It's mating season, buddy," she said nuzzling him.

"What? Why don't you guys put up a sign to warn ponies?!" he demanded nearly falling out of bed.

"Cause then we'd never get stallions that wander into town," said Rainbow. She smiled and spread her wings flirtatiously. "Besides, then we would have never had that magical time together."

As tomboyish as Rainbow Dash was, there was something very appealing about how she could project herself. Soarin shook his head, he was stronger than this.

"You didn't perma-mate with me, did you?"

"Oh no," said Rainbow low voice nuzzling him. "But you're going to chose to be with me."

"Oh I am, am I?" laughed Soarin. "I've seen a lot of mares try this before Rainbow. Yeah you're cute and have a really beautiful colorful mane and you're a lot of fun and cool and loyal and have some really nice looking wings and a sexy flank and- er, you can't make me stay."

"Pie?" offered Rainbow, knowing it was the final nail in the coffin.

Soarin was speechless.

"It's apple. You're favorite. Did I mention I'm best friends with the family that grow the best apples in Equestia? And best friends with the finest bakers too."

Soarin's mouth watered. For what reason I'll let your guys decide.

Rainbow had it balanced on her head and let it waft by his nose and then playfully brushed her wings over his snout. Rainbow lay on her back took a slice of pie and put it in a place that the author had just enough dignity left not to actually name without crying as to what he was doing with his life with the realization as to what he just wrote.

"So, what's it gonna' be, Soarin?" asked Rainbow with a grin.

Soarin took a deep breath. He wasn't going to be tempted. Sure Rainbow Dash was nice and fun and seemed to know exactly what he likes, but this wasn't right. And she wasn't going to tempt him like this. He was strong.

_15 Minutes Later_

"Hey mom, it's me, Dashie. I got a stallion at last. Yeah I perma-mated with him and everything. And he's a Wonderbolt too," said Rainbow Dash into her phone while lying in bed. One hoof was wrapped around Soarin who was eating the rest of the pie.

"Heh, I'm weak. But it was totally worth it," he said as he finished his pie.

* * *

_Button's House_

"You think you have me beat? I've not yet begun to fight!" declared Sweetie Belle proudly. She contorted her face and mustered up all her magic as best she could. Her face relaxed as she felt the magic flowing. Her face was flushed from the effort, but she smiled. She could see the magical barrier over the door now and could see she was starting to create a rift in it that she'd be able to get through.

And then the rift suddenly closed and a small explosion catapulted Sweetie across the street. She opened her eyes, upside down with her rump in the air and her hind-legs dangling above her head. She quickly righted herself.

"Okay. Plan C," she said as she started to rig up a slingshot. A few minutes later she was ready to launch herself onto the roof. She let go of the restraint holding her back and shot into the air.

"Haha!" she laughed triumphantly. She could see Button playing in his room. He looked so cute when absorbed in a game. She only noticed this for a second because the tree next to his house magically came to life and swatted her away from the window and into the wall.

"Ow," groaned Sweetie as she slid down the wall to the ground.

"Okay, plan D," said Sweetie. She ran to a nearby house where a sympathetic mare lent the filly a shovel. Once she was back at the house Sweetie started to tunnel with the plan to get into his basement. She thought this was perfect up to the moment that the magical tree's roots burrowed into her tunnel and hurled her out of it.

"Okay, you want to play rough to you!" shrieked Sweetie Belle, her voice cracking as usual when she got overexcited or upset.

Button didn't seem to notice that the tree by his house burst into flames.

* * *

_Ponyville Station_

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please."

"I'll be your best friend."

"Okay, how old do you think I am, Colgate?" demanded the station master.

"I'm desperate!" whined Colgate as she anxiously.

"Oh that makes me feel good about myself. We stallions are nothing but cake to your mares! Just pretty and to be devoured! And then you never think about us again or call us!"

Colgate was taken aback. She looked at him. "I don't understand."

"You were in the heat and I felt bad because it looked painful for you and I thought you were cute and what do you do?! You how your way and let half the mares in town do the same. And you never call me except that remind me I have an appointment!" screamed the stallion. And looked away and mumbled, "I thought you thought I was special…"

Colgate looked at the stallion. She reached through the opening in the ticket window and touched his hoof.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

"… thanks. I'll take your apology."

"Will you let me in now?" asked Colgate eagerly.

"Go to hell!" shouted the stallion.

"LET ME IN!" screamed Colgate as she shook the whole building again.

"We should be recording this," said Berry Punch.

"Don't hog all the popcorn," said Rose Luck.

* * *

_Ponyville_

Carmel looked around to make sure the coast was clear.

"Almost makes me nostalgia for the time those zombies emerged from the Everfree Forest," said the nervous stallion. "Come on, Rumble. I promised I'd keep you safe."

Rumble sniffed. He was worried about his brother. What was Cloudchaser doing to him?

"Okay, I see Pokey's house. I think we'll be safe there."

"You sure?"

"I don't know, kid. I just don't know…"

They crept towards the house. They made it to the back door. Carmel knocked. Immediately it opened.

"Sorry guys, Pokey is busy at the moment. Oh hi, Carmel. I think AJ is looking for you," said Pinkie Pie.

Carmel's eyes crossed. "Pinkie! What are you doing here?!"

"Having sex with Pokey, duh," said Pinkie being a little explicit for the author's liking.

"Hey, if you don't like it, you shouldn't have started this fic," said Pinkie.

"Who are you talking to?" asked Rumble.

"Anyways, I'll call AJ and let you know you're here. You want to wait inside?" asked Pinkie as she pulled out her cell phone.

"Uh, hehe, no t-that's o-k-kkay, Pinkie. I have to go now and uh, take Rumble to Vanhoover," stuttered Carmel.

"Okay, but I think Miss Cheerilee wants a word first."

"Huh?"

**Whamp!**

Cheerilee nailed Carmel in the back of the head with a 2x4 knocking him unconscious. She grabbed him by the tail and started dragging him away. She paused and looked at Rumble. She then smiled brightly and said, "Oh hi Rumble. I finished grading your test last night and somepony is getting an A."

"Uh, thanks?"

"Oh, Rumble, don't thank me. You did all the hard work. Keep up the good work," said the purple mare as she dragged the pony away.

Rumble was alone now.

He looked around. There was no pony in sight. No one to save him now.

"Aha!" shouted a triumphant voice. He turned and saw Scootaloo. "Just try and run from me, Rumble! I learned how to hunt and mate from my big sis Rainbow Dash."

Rumble looked around saw he was still completely alone. Scootaloo couldn't fly, but she was very fast on that scooter and would probably catch him. Besides, there were other fillies that could fly. At least he could just limit himself to one.

"Will it hurt?" he asked.

Scootaloo was taken aback. She was expecting more resistance. "Huh? Uh, I guess if I don't tie you up."

"Okay, let's do this then," said Rumble, he was sick of running. He got onto the back of her scooter. "Lead the way."

Scootaloo was dumbfounded but raced off for a private place. She grinned brightly. _Wow, Rainbow's taught me well. I'm so sexy I got a colt to come willingly._

* * *

_Elsewhere_

Milano trotted on her way to the hotel in Ponyville. Suddenly two stallions jumped out in front of her and threw themselves on the ground.

"Okay! You caught us! Be gentle please!" one begged.

"Or not," suggested the other. They actually looked eager that the beautiful mare before them would do things to them.

"Sorry, boys. I'm married," said Malino. She pointed behind them. "But they're aren't."

The two looked around and saw Bon Bon and Lyra.

"Well it was worth a shot," one stallion said.

"Run?" asked the other.

"Run," agreed the first.

"Get the buck back here!" screamed Bon Bon. "I haven't been laid in over a year!"

You take one roommate and the whole town thinks you're a lesbian.

"Gaaah! It's angry candy-maker and the completely insane one!"

"Hey!" shouted Lyra also giving chase. "I don't make candy!"

* * *

_Ponyville Bank_

Noteworthy had managed to barricade himself in the bank behind where the tellers would normally sit. It was designed to keep ponies from robbing the place and protect the employees. He hoped it would be enough. He watched as two mares were trying to break into where he was sheltering. He knew if they got in he was trapped.

"Motherbucker!" cursed Vinyl. She was using her magic to levitate a file to cut through the bars at the teller's stalls.

"Vinyl, dear, language," reproached Octavia. "I know you're anxious. And so am I, but one must be a lady at all times."

"Yeah and how many dry mating seasons have you gone through, Tavi?" asked Vinyl with a cheeky grin.

Octavia's eyes narrowed and turned at looked at Noteworthy. She placed her fore-hooves on the bars and roared, "GET THE BUCK OUT HERE YOU BASTARD, I HAVEN'T BEEN SHAGGED IN YEARS! GET OUT HERE OR I WILL BREAK DOWN THIS WALL! OCTY NEEDS NOBBING!"

Vinyl stared in shock and Noteworthy was curled in the fetal-position on the floor. Even if he wanted to give into Octavia's demands, he was not capable of moving.

"AAAGGGHHH!" bellowed Octavia with a savage warcry as she made good on her promise and ripped the bars off the window.

"Holy mother above, please let her at least be gentle on me," begged Noteworthy to the High Goddess Fausticorn as the grey mare descended on him.

"Does this mean we're not sharing this one?" asked Vinyl.

"Save me Vinyl!"

"Guess not. Have fun, Tavi," said Vinyl as she trotted off.

* * *

_Ponyville Market_

"Applejack!"

An orange earth pony with a blonde mane turned and saw a purple earth pony dragging a third pony.

"Uh, howdy Cheerilee. Can Ah, help ya?"

"I suggest a trade, Applejack," said Cheerilee with a smirk.

"Fer w'at?" asked Applejack.

"Carmel, for Big Mac's hiding place," said Cheerilee turning Carmel over so Applejack could see him clearly. He was bound and gagged.

He looked up at Applejack, clearly terrified. He was having a bad day. First Trixie, then Cheerilee, and now he was being used a bargaining chip to trade up. Yeah, he was feeling good about himself.

"B-but, Ah can't sell out my brotha'… even if it is fer Carmel," said Applejack with lust starting to creep into her eyes.

"Well, I guess I'll see if I can trade to somepony else," said Cheerilee. She stroked his chest with her hoof. "Or, maybe I can have a little more fun with him."

Applejack bit her lip. She loved her family… but she had her own needs.

"He has a bunker he built years ago!" blurted Applejack. "It's in the middle of the east field by the creek!"

"He's all yours," said Cheerilee racing off towards Sweet Apple Aches.

"Shit, what Ah jus' do?" moaned Applejack. She turned and saw that Carmel had managed to get loose and was making escape. "Oh no ya' don't lova' boy!"

Applejack lassoed him and tied all four hooves together.

"Mmellpff!" screamed Carmel, he still had the gag Cheerilee had stuffed in his mouth.

"Quiet now, partna'," said Applejack as she nuzzled him gently. "Ah don't bite, if ya' don't want me to. Y'all had a rough day?"

Carmel nodded. He was beat up and exhausted.

"Tell ya' what. You come willin'ly with me an' be my parma-mate, and Ah'll make sure y'all are treated right. Ah'll even let rest up first and get ya' some pie."

"Paayee?" asked Carmel from behind the gag.

"Yup, pie. How's that sound."

Carmel considered it.

"Ah'm doin' ya, whether y'all come quietly or not," added Applejack.

Carmel sighed and nodded.

"Great," said Applejack tossing him on her strong back and trotting off with him.

"Kamffyefyutiefmef?" asked Carmel hopefully.

"Untie ya'? Hmmm, Ah don't know, Ah wanted ta' try it this way," chuckled Applejack.

Carmel sighed resigned to his fate. At least he was getting pie.

* * *

_Button's House_

Sweetie Belle was pissed. She had mud and charcoal in her fur. Her mane was a mess and her eye was starting to twitch.

"Plan M!" she screamed as she threw a brick at a window in desperation. It bounced off the magical shielding and hit her in the head knocking her out cold.

* * *

_Central Ponyville_

"Hey Applebloom, how goes the hunt?" asked Scootaloo coming to a stop.

"No good," grumbled Applebloom.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Hey I have Rumble here, you want a turn after me?" asked Scootaloo pointing to the less than enthusiastic colt riding with her.

"Don't I get a say in this?"

"It's a mare run society, buddy. Sooner you get use to it the happier you'll be," said Scootaloo.

"Buck," grumbled Rumble.

"It's okay, Scoots. Ah want ta' get somepony on mah' own. But thanks, yur' a real good friend," said Applebloom with a smile.

"Yeah, real good friend," grumbled the colt.

"Hey, you agreed to come with me," said Scootaloo smacking him upside the head. "Also, does it have to be a pony?"

"Huh? What y'all talkin' 'bout?" asked Applebloom.

Scootaloo pointed towards the Golden Oaks Library where a young dragon was sweeping the front steps. Not being a pony, Spike was not really concerned about the pony's mating season and since the ponies that were roughly his age group hadn't been in the heat before, he had never thought to be worried about it. Besides, the Canterlot mating seasons was pretty uneventful since there were plenty of stallions available. He had no idea that there was an earth pony about to put his life in danger.

"You go girl!" cheered Scootaloo.

"Run for your life Spike!" shouted Rumble. Scootaloo smacked him again.

Spike looked up in time to be tackled.

"What's going on?!" he screamed. He was confused as to why Applebloom was attacking him.

"Nothin' Spah'ke, jus' relax and let me handle this," said Applebloom before she grabbed him by the tail and dragged him inside.

"What are you doing?! Help!"

Years of learning to harvest apples had unfortunately for Spike built up a lot of muscle strength in the filly and combined with her hormonal determination, the dragon had no chance.

Applebloom wondered if there was a dragon breeding cutie mark.

* * *

_Sweet Apple Aches_

Cheerilee trotted through the east orchard following the creek that ran through it. She looked for signs of a hidden entrance. For a decade and a half Big Macintosh had evaded every mare in town. No pony had ever mated with him. He was the most eligible bachelor in town and every mare was dreamed to get him. Cheerilee was determined to be the first and hopefully last mare he'd ever have.

"Aha!" said Cheerilee triumphantly. She saw a dead tree on a bluff and in the side of the bluff was what looked like a cellar or mine entrance. "You're mine now."

"Ah! That's what you think!" shouted another voice. Cheerilee turned and saw Bon Bon.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were into mares?"

"Why does everyone assume that?" groaned Bon Bon. "Just because Lyra and I live together and we had to share a bed for a couple of months doesn't mean we are lesbians!"

(AN: I have nothing against LyraxBon Bon pairing, I just need them to be heterosexual for the purposes of this story.)

"So, what are you doing here?" asked Cheerilee sharply.

Bon Bon smirked and said, "I heard you make that deal with Applejack. That was pretty clever. I'm impressed, but I guess you wouldn't be a teacher if you weren't. Anyways, I followed you here. However, I'm afraid I'm taking Big Mac."

"You wouldn't know what to do with that much stallion even if you could beat me," growled Cheerilee.

"Try me," said Bon Bon quietly.

"Or me!" shouted another mare.

"Berry Punch? I thought you were still at the station," said Cheerilee.

"I heard you found out where Big Mac was hiding all these years."

"How?"

"Don't worry about it."

By which she meant the author was too lazy to come up with a reason.

"You're going to have to fight me too," said Rose Luck.

"No fair, you could get a stallion willingly!" shouted Daisy who also showed up to the party along with Lily.

"Hey, just because I can doesn't mean I don't have standards… and where's Bon Bon?" asked Rose Luck realized that a mare was missing. There then noticed the boards over the tunnel entrance had been ripped off. "Buck! After her!"

The mares all charged for the entrance pushing and shoving as they dashed down the tunnel. Bon Bon could hear the others catching up and picked up her speed. She dodge loose boards and traps that Big Macintosh had obviously left. Lily failed to leap over one of the pit falls and fell in. Daisy stepped on a hidden button and had to dodge a jet of fire. Poison darts were fired from the walls in another part of the tunnel.

Breathing heavily, the mares took a breath. They were too exhausted to fight each other.

"There you are!" shouted Lily as she caught back up with the group. She stepped on a tripwire. All the mares froze.

A few seconds passed.

"Huh, nothing happened," said Lily.

Then they could hear a rumble.

"What's that noise?" asked Rose Luck.

It got louder.

Then there was a crash and they saw it.

It was Tom the Bolder.

"Everypony run!" screamed Cheerilee.

"Oh the horror!" cried Lily as she passed out.

"Idiot, don't do that here!" shouted Rose Luck as she dragged her friend to safety.

They fled for their lives until they saw the tunnel narrow.

"We'll be safe if we make it through!" shouted Bon Bon.

"Yeah, we will! Too bad you're not all gonna' make it!"

"What?!"

Cheerilee tripped Bon Bon and she fell tripping the others up.

Cheerilee never looked back. She made it through and rounded a corner and was rewarded with the sight of a steel door with a hatch on it. She grabbed it with her teeth and turned the wheel pulling it open.

Blinking her eyes flirtatiously she said in a low husky voice, "Hello, Mackie. How are you today?"

She looked in and was greeted by a dusty room that clearly no pony had been inside in years.

"What?"

Cheerilee couldn't believe it. She trotted in and looked for signs of Big Mac. He must be hiding. She felt a tap and looked around. She was greeted by several angry looking mares led by Bon Bon.

"You bitch!" growled the candymaker. "I'll kill you! Now where is he?!"

"I don't know," said Cheerilee.

"Hey, I found a note," said Daisy. "Dear To Whom it may concerned, if you are reading this then my darling baby sister has sold me out as I expected her to do one of these days because she gave into her hormonal needs. I understand that, but do feel rather betrayed. I commend your efforts since you must have made it past all my traps. I hope you were not too terribly harmed by them and you will find a fully stocked medical kit in the corner by the bed. I am rather flattered by your interest in me, but frankly I do not wish to be attacked by every mare in town. No hard feelings, but I want to save myself for my special somepony. Hope you are well and find your special stallion. Sincerely, Big Macintosh Apple."

"Huh, he's surprisingly articulate in on paper," commented Rose Luck.

"Give me that," said Bon Bon. She wanted to read it for herself. "Feel betrayed, blah blah blah. Hope you understand ya-dee-ya-dee-ya. Sincerely Big Macintosh Apple. PS: This bunker will self-destruct. Well that's just bucking great. We'll never find him now."

"What was that last part?" asked Daisy grabbing the note.

Ponyville was rocked by a distant explosion.

* * *

_Near Ponyville_

Fluttershy heard the explosion and wondered what it could be for a moment. She shook her head. She had more important things to do. She followed a scent. It had taken her years. Every year during the season she had one special pony she hunted. The only one to capture her heart.

"You're not escaping me this year," whispered Fluttershy with an uncharacteristic grin forming. She pulled a hidden entrance open with her teeth and dived in at high speed. She dodged a series of traps and automated laser turret defense system for her prize.

Dodging left and right and zooming through the missiles and lasers to her goal! That's right, she was here to get laid! Uh, yay?

She landed safely and saw a steel bunker door.

"Gotcha' at last," said Fluttershy quietly. She licked her lips lustfully. Her nervously and shyness was completely blitzed out by well over a decade of one dry season after another because she wanted no other stallion. She was going to make it worth it and nothing was going to stop her. Not even a giant nuclear-powered robot of death.

Speaking of which…

With a massive crash, a giant nuclear-powered robot landed right behind her. Fluttershy, turned and her ears fell back and her pupils dilated in fear as she saw the five story war machine point a particle cannon at her. The gun charged and energy started to built up.

"No," growled Fluttershy through gritted teeth. "You're not stopping me either Mr. Death Robot! I'M FINALLY GETTING LAID THIS YEAR EVEN IF I DIE TRYING!"

Like a bullet, Fluttershy charged at the robot and burst right through is armor and burst out the other side. She landed on her hooves with a thud and turned growling like a wild beast with many wires clutched in her teeth that she had savagely ripped out.

Because not even a giant robot can stop an angry Fluttershy.

Contemptibly, Fluttershy spat out the bundle of wires, flicked her mane over her shoulders, and trotted between the robot's still legs with her nose held high. She trotted towards the door without looking behind her when the robot exploded.

(AN: Someone make that fanart. That needs to happen.)

"My victory is complete. He's mine for the taking," said Fluttershy with a lustful smile and laughed manically complete with dramatic lightning bolt in the background.

And then… she politely knocked on the door.

As if that didn't seem stupid enough, the door open and a red stallion politely answered.

"Eeyup?"

"Oh, hi, Big Mac. I uh, was wondering if you'd like to have lunch with me, if you don't mind. Uh, we can just eat here in your secret heavily defended bunker, if you like," said Fluttershy holding a picnic basket and smiled uncomfortably with a squee noise.

"Is matin' season past yet?" asked Big Mac.

"No, that's why I'm here and destroyed your robot," said Fluttershy pointing to the burning machine behind her.

"Oh," said Big Mac in mild surprise, as if he just noticed. "Well, Ah'n awful sorry Ms. Fluttershy, but Ah'm not fer jus' any pony ta' take and violate."

"Big Macintosh, I just destroyed a five story robot that you somehow acquired," said Fluttershy flatly. "Don't make me force my way in."

Big Mac put a hoof to his chin and considerer her and his situation.

"I don't like to brag, but I am voted sexiest eligible bachelorette," said Fluttershy showing him a copy of the town paper and seductively nuzzling up against him. She was not going to take no for an answer.

"Hmmm."

"Aren't you tired of hiding every year? If you be my perma-mate, you won't have to hid anymore."

"This is da' only week Ah get off. An' Ah fun buildin' d'ese traps, robots, and th'angs," said Big Mac.

"Did I mention I'm serious about a relationship and plan to start a family with you? We can make quite team with your farming skills and my animal skills," suggested Fluttershy.

"Ah suppose," said Big Mac still considering.

"Did I mention I brought pie and can bake more?"

_Three Hours Later_

Two panting ponies lay back. They both needed a break.

"Worth all those years of waiting," said Fluttershy with a satisfied sigh.

"Eeyup," agreed Big Mac putting a hoof around her.

Fluttershy sighed, very happy with her life right now. And then a question started to nag her.

"Oh my gosh, I just did a bunch of really dangerous things to get here. And, Big Mac, how did you learn to make all these sophisticated laser weapons and robots?"

"Internet."

"Oh, I see, I guess that makes sense."

No it didn't.

"Have some more pie, honey, you'll need to keep your energy up," said Fluttershy.

"Thanks," said Big Mac eagerly.

And the lesson of this fanfiction is that you can always get yourself a lover with pie.

* * *

_The Mash's House_

"RAAGGGHH!" shrieked Sweetie Belle as she charged the door, trying to ram it down. She bounced off it.

Now very desperate as the day was nearing its end she did the last thing she could think of.

"O-ok-k-kay, let's try Plan Z."

She pulled out a cell phone and scrolled through her contacts.

"_*ring, ring* *click*_ Hello?" answered a colt's voice.

"Uh, Button?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"Oh, hi Sweetie! How are you?"

"Uh, I'm good. I'm actually outside your house. I thought we could play some games. I brought my computer and everything with me," said Sweetie Belle with a nervous laugh.

"Cool, let me get to a save point. I'll be right down. _*click*_"

Dumbstruck, Sweetie Belle, put her phone away. She sank onto her rump and her eye started to twitch violently.

"… w-w-was it really that easy?"

As Button reached a save point he thought he heard an earsplitting curse from outside.

* * *

_Cutie Mark Crusader Clubhouse_

"Ahh, much better than Featherweight," said Scootaloo lying back on the cot they left in the clubhouse.

"… I want to go home."

"Shut up, I just made you into a stallion."

Ah, young love.

* * *

_Mash's House_

Sweetie was mumbling to herself when the door opened.

"Hi, Sweetie!" said Button excitedly. His smile wilted when he saw her. "A-are you okay? Did I make you wait too long?"

Sweetie caught her reflection in a window. Her mane looked like her sister's when she about to lose it and she showed her many failed attempts to get inside.

"Set you bag here and I'll get a bath started. I know you like to be clean," said Button holding the door for her.

Sweetie was brought out of her trace of self-hate for not thinking of calling him sooner by his consideration. She smiled gratefully and tears mingled in her eyes. She nuzzled him affectionately. Button was taken aback by her intimacy, but shrugged it off as just Sweetie Belle being Sweetie Belle.

After hours of failing to get inside and getting upset and angry, she was suddenly showered by Button's unwitting affections. She enjoyed a warm bath and was treated to a warm meal… that was only microwaved food but she was more concerned with the thought behind it which made her heart sing.

"So what, did you want to play first?" asked Button.

"Well," said Sweetie with a grin. "I have something special for you."

"Oh boy!" cheered Button. "What is it?"

"Let's go to your room. It's a surprise. Think of it as a way we're going to be a better team that before."

Button was confused, but grinned naively. "Neat. Well let's get started."

Sweetie Belle led the way to the unsuspecting colt.

* * *

_Ponyville Station_

"You're not going home?" asked Colgate.

"I have a cot in the back," said the station master. He was watching a small TV he had set up in his office. At first he was terrified, but after all these hours locked in his office he was just bored. Still he had everything he needed. He even had a toilet and bottled water in case somepony tried cutting off his water supply… like Colgate did to him one year.

"Aren't you going to get lonely in there?"

"Since I doubt you're going to leave, I don't think I'm going to be that alone."

"All the more reason to let me in."

"Why do you always return to me every season?" asked the stallion.

"Well… I think you're cute," admitted Colgate.

"Really?" asked the stallion, with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah," said Colgate defensively.

"Do you have pie?"

"Uh, no?"

"Then get the buck out!" he shouted as he slammed the metal certain down with a 'closed' sign on it.

"Where the buck do I get pie at this hour!" shouted Colgate.

"No my problem!" called back a muffled voice from inside.

"AAGGH!" screamed Colgate as she pounded away on the ticket booth.

* * *

_Day Two_

Flitter was still on the hunt. She was getting more desperate than before.

"Ugh, way are there so few stallions. I'm really getting sick of this year after year," she grumbled. "I should just perma-mate so I don't have to go through this, but who? Not a lot of choices and most of them suck. I just want a nice stallion."

She saw a train departing the station.

"Might as well give it a shot."

She zoomed down towards the building on the edge of town. She saw Colgate asleep face-first against the ticket window. The station master dutifully ignoring her.

To her surprise, there was in fact a stallion. He looked young, maybe in 20 or so.

_Okay, play it cool. Let's not just buck his brains out. See if he's a good mate_, she thought. "Hi, I'm Flitter, welcome to Ponyville."

"Huh? Oh, hi, I'm Megabyte Mash," said the unsuspecting stallion.

The author has a soft spot for the Mash family because the author is a nerd and gamer.

"So what brings you here?"

"Oh well, I finished a project at work early and got a little paid vacation time as a reward from my boss. So I thought I'd spend a little time with my baby brother," said the stallion. He had a handsome light brown mane and coat, not unlike his mother. He wore wireframe glasses and had a cutie mark of a game controller.

"You like video games?" Flitter conversationally. _Hmmm, nerds can be pretty cute. He's family orientated. That's good, I like that. And he's a caring older brother who is spending a paid vacation with._

"I love 'em. I come from a whole family of gamers and we all work in the industry. Ah, but I wouldn't want to bore you."

"No, no, please. Why don't we go into town and you tell me more," said Flitter with a warm smile. Any mare get in her way and she'll punch them into next week.

Megabyte was confused. "Don't you have something to do?"

He didn't understand why a pony would just randomly be at the train station.

"Oh, don't worry about that. Please, tell me more. I actually foalsit for a colt and he likes to play Smash Brony a lot."

"That's made by a different company, I work for Pony. We make the GameStation," said Megabyte as he started to talk about work. They trotted off into town: one plotting and the other never realizing it. Stallions of the Mash family were all very trusting.

* * *

_Pokey's House_

"Pokey, it's time to wake up."

"Nah, mommy, I don't want to feed the flowers my socks," mumbled the unicorn.

Pinkie rolled her eyes and kicked him.

"Ow! Pinkie, why?!"

"Less talk, more action!"

"But I'm so sore. I need more time to rest," begged Pokey.

"Aww, you poor thing," said Pinkie. Pokey smiled hopefully that she would go easy on him. "Don't worry. You don't have to stay awake for this anyways."

Pokey sighed. Why did the craziest mare in town by to take a liking to him.

* * *

_Ponyville Hospital_

"Dear Celestia and Luna above, what happened to these mares?!" asked Nurse Redheart.

"I don't know, ma'am. They were found in the middle of Sweet Apple Aches," said a pegasus.

"Well get triage going."

In another part of the hospital.

"Noteworthy, darling, I want to say I'm sorry," said Octavia apologetically. Her ears were pinned back and her eyes were pointed at the floor in shame. "And I want you to know, that I'll do the right thing and take you as my perma-mate… can you hear me?"

Noteworthy was in a full body cast. He gave no indication that he could hear Octavia or that he was even conscious… or was still even alive for that matter.

"Don't worry, my love. I will be a committed mate," said Octavia enthusiastically. "And gentle and loving… but first I need to cut a hole in this cast."

Noteworthy would probably be grateful that he couldn't see Octavia holding a scalpel with a hungry look in her eyes. He would also be grateful to be in a coma and on a morphine drip.

* * *

_Thunderlane's House_

"Do you have to follow me home?"

"Do you want to get raped by every filly in town?" asked Scootaloo.

"… I guess not."

"Hey, I'm just looking out for my mate," said Scootaloo hugging him.

"Why not just hang a sign on me?" asked Rumble sarcastically.

A few minutes later Rumble was in his house eating a bowl of Cheeri-oats and was grudgingly wearing a T-shirt that said: Property of Scootaloo Dash.

"Hey Rumble," said Cloudchaser brightly as she entered the kitchen. "Oh, and you have a little fillyfriend with you too?"

"More like abductor," grumbled the colt.

"I got him to come with my willingly," said Scootaloo proudly as she smacked her mate again.

"Hey, nice. I bet your sis would be very proud," said Cloudchaser as she started to cook breakfast.

"You're cooking?"

"Yeah, your bother had a rough night. Hehe… anyways, I thought I'd make him something to eat. He'll need his strength. That's the thing about unmated mares, we need a lot of … attention," said Cloudchaster lamely in an attempt to not be so graphic in what she was really doing.

"Oooh, good idea. Better eat up Rumble."

"Can't we just watch some TV and call it a day?"

"No, we're this is mating season and nothing will stop me from… wait, Revengers is supposed to be on, okay, but after that it's bad to business."

"Fine."

* * *

_Mash House_

Milano was racing at full gallop to her house. She hadn't meant to spend the whole night but it had been such a nice time with her husband… and she was in the heat. Now her motherly instincts were in full swing as she realized that anything could have happened to her son.

"Calm down, Milano. This is Button. He's probably still in front of his TV playing video games. The zombie apocalypse could have happened again and he wouldn't have noticed," chuckled Milano. She was sure the worst thing that could have happened was that he forgot to sleep and eat again. He could so helpless when he got into a game or was designing one.

"Besides, there's only one filly that would be interested in him. Sweetie Belle's a good, kid, but no, my Button is way too young to mate," she said protectively. She was a little overprotective of her youngest and felt a sinking feeling for leaving him alone during the mating season, but she told herself she deserved to give herself a break and nothing bad could have happened…

That was until she saw that somepony had burnt down the magical anti-burglary tree. And somepony had tried to navigate the minefield she planted in the backyard. And that somepony had even tried tunneling into the house.

There could be only one filly that determined.

"Well, I doubt she got in. My plan is perfect."

She opened the door and locked it behind her.

"Button, honey. I'm home, sorry I was gone for so long. How about mommy makes you a special breakfast and plays some co-op with you?"

"That's okay Mrs. Mash, I've already got breakfast started," said a squeaky voice.

Milano's eyes bugged out and her jaw dropped when she saw a white unicorn with a purple and pink mane wearing an apron and levitating a spatula had come to greet her.

"Sweetie Belle!" growled Milano pinning the filly against a wall. "How did you get in?!"

"Hi mom!" said Button as he came out of the kitchen. "Welcome home. How was your night out? Did you have fun? Oh by the way I think Sweetie and I are married or something. Did you want some crepes? Sweetie's pretty good at cooking."

"Just a sec, sweetheart. Go eat your breakfast, I just need to talk to Sweetie here," said Milano with no indication that anything was wrong. "What did you do?"

"Perma-mated with him," said Sweetie matching Milano's glare.

"You what?! You're still in grade school!" she angrily whispered.

"I happen to love him. Also, I managed to get him to eat, bathe, comb his hair, and sleep at normal hours. And guess who won't be living with mom forever," shot back Sweetie Belle.

There was several seconds of silence.

"… welcome to the family, Sweetie Belle."

"I knew you'd see it my way," said the filly. She had learned negotiating from her big sister and learned well.

* * *

_Hooves's House_

"Morning mom," said Sparkler.

"Good morning, and how is my big muffin today?" asked Derpy as she placed a large breakfast in front of her daughter.

"Not bad. I caught a colt, but he wasn't really to my liking," said Sparkler.

"Well, it will need to be an impressive colt to catch my daughter's eyes."

"Aw, thanks mom. So how was the Doctor?"

"He's sleeping. He was pretty resistant, but once I broke out the pie he saw it my way."

"So we have a new father?" asked Sparkler excitedly.

"That we do."

"Alright," said the magenta unicorn pumping a hoof into the air.

"Hush now and eat up. You need your strength."

"Yes mom," said the unicorn. "Hey where's Dinky?"

"She left early. Something about finding out where she teleported Pipsqueak."

"Hehe, I remember the first time I did that," giggled Sparkler.

Yup, just another normal day for the Hooves Family.

* * *

_Meanwhile_

Dinky continued her search for Pipsqueak. She thought it would be easy. Just get him away from Applebloom and then she'd have him for herself. She was now pouring over a book from Twilight's library about teleporting and summoning.

"Okay, if I'm reading this right. I can just bring him back."

Dinky summoned all her strength, hoping this wouldn't exhaust her too much. There was a bright light and then a sudden flash.

Dinky blink her eyes until the spots went away and saw Pipsqueak.

"I did it!" she cheered.

"Where am I?" asked Pip. "What day is it, how long have I been gone?"

"You've only been gone 24 hours."

Pip looked shocked. "I've been gone for three years. I don't know where I was, but I became the pirate king."

He showed her a silver crown and a jewel encrusted sword.

"I've seen and done so much, Dinky… I don't know how to explain it all," said Pip wearily. "I've been gone so long, seen so many things. I'll never be the same pony again. How will I ever be able to live normally ag-"

"Yeah, yeah, you've been on an epic adventure. Shut up, I had physically needs to fulfill here!" shouted Dinky as she tackled the dimensional adventurer. And probably adding to the already traumatized Pip problems, who most likely had PTSD.

* * *

_Golden Oak Library_

"Damn, Ah thought Ah'd at least get a cutie mark fer that," said Applebloom.

"It's bad enough you assaulted me and that I'm making you breakfast and now lunch. Can you at least make it sound like I wasn't a disappointing?" grumbled Spike.

"Sorry. Well, maybe Ah wasn't tryin' hard enough."

"Uh, maybe you were trying too hard," suggested Spike nervously.

"Nonsense!" said Applebloom merrily, as she dragged the poor dragon back to his bedroom.

"Can't we just cuddle or something?!"

* * *

_Ponyville Station_

"You done out there?" asked a bored voice.

"Shut up! If you let me in I wouldn't have to clop in public!" shouted Colgate.

"You're lucky the police are hiding for the season too, or else I'd report you for public indecency."

"Do you have any idea what it's like being mare in the heat?" growled Colgate.

"Nope," said the stallion unsympathetically.

"I WILL MAKE YOU MINE!" screamed Colgate angrily, making the building shake from shear volume this time. It wasn't even about her needs or finding a mate, it was about the principle… which made some kind of twisted sense to her.

"Uh-huh, get back to me when you get that pie," said the stallion not looking up from his TV.

* * *

_Flitter's House_

"Gee, Flitter, I appreciate you making me dinner and things, but I should really be getting home," said Megabyte. He was proving to be just as naïve as his younger brother. Flitter found him to be really sweet though and was waiting for just the right moment to strike.

"You really care about your brother, don't you?" she asked sweetly, resting her head on her fore-hooves.

"He's a little odd and not very good with ponies. I just worry about him. I was so happy when he made some friends this year."

"Do you like foals?"

"Uh, yeah, I've been a little awkward with them, but then again I'm that way with most ponies," said Megabyte laughing.

Flitter giggled. "I like foals. Being a foalsitter made me realize how much I want one my own… but…"

"But?" prompted Megabyte politely.

"I'd need a mate first. A perma-mate."

The game programmer was starting to put two and two together. "… uh-oh… um, it isn't that time of year again, is it?"

Flitter closed her eyes and smiled brightly.

"… buck," cursed Megabyte.

"Hey, you can try and run, but I'm pretty fast. Plus there will be extremely desperate mares that will be pretty brutal this late into the season. So, stick around. Besides, there's cake," she said holding up a delicious looking cake.

Megabyte weighed his options. A: stay here with a beautiful mare that in the looks department was horribly out of his league and who was interested in him and had cake. B: Go outside and risk being raped by every desperate mare outside in a 30 mile radius.

Well, at least this cake wasn't a lie.

* * *

_Day Three_

Things were winding down. The mares could feel they were close to the end of this mating season.

In the park sat two mares, a mint green unicorn and a lavender alicorn.

"Ughh, not one stallion," groaned an exhaust Twilight Sparkle.

"Buck," cursed Lyra as she kicked a rock.

"I'm a bucking princess and one of the most powerful magic users in the world, why can't I ever get a goodness damned stallion?!"

"Life's just ironic that way, Twilight," grumbled Lyra. "I guess we're better off than Bon Bon. She's still unconscious."

"Yeah…," sighed Twilight as she anxious flapped her wings. "At this point I'd buck anything with conscious intelligence and testicles."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Gaaah!" screamed both Lyra and Twilight. Pinkie had poked out of nowhere and both mares had fallen off the bench they were previously sitting on.

"Pinkie! What are you doing?!" shouted Twilight.

"Heading home. I don't think Pokey could take anymore. Too bad, I was about to do some really fun things with whip cream," said Pinkie with a devilish grin. She looked at the can of whip cream rubbed it against her face in a way that would made the other two mares back away from her uncomfortably.

"Anyways, I overheard what you said. Now Lyra, I think you might like this, but Twilight, are you really sure?"

"About what?" asked Twilight suspiciously.

"I can get you a man, but I can't promise you it will be a stallion."

"Is it an adult that can consent?" asked Twilight.

"It sure is!" said Pinkie grinning broadly.

Twilight and Lyra exchanged looks and shrugged. What did they have to lose?

"Then take my hoof and follow me! Weeee!"

"Pinkie, wha- AAGGGGHHH!"

A light opened and a rift in the very fabric of reality opened.

* * *

_Charlottesville, Virginia_

Twilight and Lyra looked around. They were inside a small house.

"Oh my gosh," gasped Lyra. Her eyes were wide in wonderment. "I. Have. Hands!"

Twilight looked at herself in a mirror that somepony had left in the living room they were standing in. Her lavender fur was gone and replaced by smooth creamy pale skin. Consistent with someone who spent much of her day inside reading. She felt her forehead where her horn should have been. She checked her new body which was clothed in a white collared shirt with purple sweater vest and matching pleated skirt. Eventually she found a wand tucked into her belt and pulled it out. Slowly she tried standing on two feet. She called reading in an old book about myths that the human body was designed to be erect. She found it was quite natural and was even lighting having hands.

"You know Lyra, I think you were right. Hands are pretty cool," said Twilight as she picked up an object on the floor and found how easy it was. "And I thought you were just crazy all these years."

"Hey! … wait a minute, Pinkie, you knew that humans were real and how to get to their dimension and never told me?!" shouted Lyra grabbing Pinkie by the collar of her shirt.

"Well, I never thought about actually you here until now."

"Wow, Pinkie. We can study a whole new world and learn about their culture and everything. This is so exciting," said Twilight.

"Really? I just brought you here to get laid. Males are much more available here," explain Pinkie, as though Twilight's idea of studying humans was strange.

"Hey! Who the fuck are y'all!" shouted a voice from behind them. They turned and saw another human. Holding what was clearly a shotgun. There was a second with a golf club.

"Who are y'all, and how the hell did ya' get in?!" demanded the first human. He was Asian and spoke with a mild southern accent.

"Through a dimensional portal," answered Pinkie simply.

"Wha?" grunted the other human, a Caucasian man with light brown hair.

Twilight and Lyra pointed their wands and quickly disarmed both men.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted the second.

"Da' hell is happenin'?!"

"Sorry guys, but where we come from, males are few in number. So we needed to find more," explained Pinkie to the two terrified and confused humans that were pinned magically to the ceiling. "Here, try these pies girls. It works all the time to get men."

"Look, just take our money and go," said the second human.

"And we don't like pie."

"What? But you're the author and architect of this fic and pie is a running gag in your story," said Pinkie in shock.

"Da' hell are you talkin' about you psycho?!"

"I'll take this one, Twilight, the other one seems high strung for my tastes," said Lyra as she floated the second man upstairs.

"Dude, help me!"

"I can't move!"

"Well, my work here is done. I'll be back to check up on you girls later."

"Wait Pinkie-" started Twilight.

Too late.

"What jus' happened?" asked the author. At this point he'd just seen several laws of physics and reality just get thrown out the window. He was past anger and fear.

"Uh, it's a long story… so, where is your bedroom?"

* * *

_Day Four_

It was early morning and mating season was finally at an end for Ponyville. The station master trotted out of his office and outside. He stretched in the early morning air; it was nice to be finally free to go outside.

He saw a small package had been delivered. Thank Celestia, that Derpy was still doing mail runs despite the season. He levitated it up and trotted towards a pathetic looking sight of a unicorn.

"You awake?"

"Go away," groaned Colgate.

"Ah, music to my ears. The season is over and I can go outside again," sighed the stallion happily.

"I had to resort to clopping just to get through," moaned Colgate as she sat up. She was tired, sore from sleeping on a station platform, and sexually frustrated. To her surprise the stallion sat down with her.

"Aren't you going home?" she asked.

"You've grown on me. Maybe it's Stockholm Syndrome or something. Or maybe, I just wanted payback for last year."

Colgate was quiet for a while. "I'm sorry. It was wrong for me to let 18 mares have their way with you after I was done and never called you back."

"Especially the leaving your friends to rape me… anyways. I think we're even. So, how about a truce," said the stallion as he offered her the box.

"What is it?"

"Pie."

She looked up at him in surprise. Her lips trembled and tears formed in her eyes as she gave a small smile. The stallion nuzzled her which she returned.

"Next year, it will just be you and me," he promised.

"You and me," said Colgate as she placed a hoof on his.

They were quiet for a while.

"You know, I just realized, after all this time I still don't even know your name," said Colgate nonchalantly.

The stallion face-hoofed. This was going to be a long relationship.

* * *

_Epilogue_

Milano leaned her cheek on one hoof and stared at her two new mate-daughters.

"I leave the house one day and both sons get taken by mares," groaned Milano.

"It's not all bad, mom," said Megabyte trying to comfort her. "Weren't you worried both Button and I would get completely sucked into our work and die alone or live here with you forever."

Milano sighed.

"Button, why don't you go play a game with your brother. I'm going to clean up the dishes."

"'Kay mom," said Button as he ran off to his room. Sweetie Belle and Megabyte followed him, eager to get a game going.

"Do you need help?"

Milano saw Flitter holding a couple of dirty dishes.

"Um, sure."

The two worked in extremely awkward silence.

"You aren't going to join them?"

"In a moment," answered Flitter.

"You like gaming?"

"I play some with my sister and the colt I foalsit for."

"You're gonna' see a lot of that in this family."

"I know. I figured that out going into this," answered Flitter.

More awkward silence.

"You know, I can't but notice all the mares in this family gorgeous," observed Flitter.

"Thanks," smiled Milano.

"Actually it seems like they're way out of the league of the stallions."

Milano chuckled and hummed in agreement.

"… you son is really nice. And Button is a good colt. I think it's that they have something about their personality that's endearing that attracts us to them," said Flitter. "I can tell you're not happy the little Sweetie Belle and I mated with your sons, but I just want to say, we went after them because you raised them to be such good gentlecolts. You're a great mom and you should be proud of yourself."

Milano tried not to smile to widely.

"Why don't we join the others. I can show you how the mares of the Mash family kick flanks."

* * *

_Ponyville Hospital_

"I'm telling you it's true Bon Bon, Twilight and I went to the human's dimension and mated with two of them!" cried Lyra.

"Lyra, I had another dry season and I spent half of it in the hospital. Shut up."

"But Bon Bon!" whined Lyra.

Octavia passed the two mares on her way into the hospital. She had a basket with her. She signed with the nurse and headed for the recovery room.

Inside that room was a recovering Noteworthy. He was conscious again and feeling a lot better. They said without further trauma he could be out in a couple of days and working at his music store again. Things were looking up after he experienced the worst mating season ever.

"Ah, Notey, my love, you're awake," sang a sweet voice.

"AAGGGHHH!" screamed a terrified stallion as he saw the face of the mare who put him here in the first place. Noteworthy leaped out of bed in panic and clung to a fluorescent light fixture on the ceiling for dear life. Anything to put distance between him and the mare that tormented his nightmares.

"Oh dear, love, please get down from there. You shouldn't be exerting yourself like this yet," said the grey mare looking deeply concerned and oblivious as to why he was in such distress.

"Now I brought you these flowers. Don't they look lovely? And I also brought my own special blend of tea. I think you'll rather like it and I also think it will help you relax. You look tense for some reason."

Noteworthy finally managed to speak. "What are you doing here?!"

"Huh? Why I'm here to be with my perma-mate," said Octavia.

"Your what?!" screamed Noteworthy, now completely terrified.

"Oh yes, you were in a coma. Well I performed a permanent-mating with you. It is a mare's responsibility after all. I also took the liberty to fill out these documents to make it all legal under the law," said Octavia brightly. "No more chasing stallions for me, my darling."

Noteworthy told himself it was all a bad dream when he saw her holding a marriage certificate.

"What, don't you need my consent?!"

"Ohohoho," chortled Octavia. "Notey, love, you really need to read that Stallion's Rights Amendment in the constitution more carefully."

And just when life hadn't kicked him enough, the light fixture gave away and Noteworthy fell painfully on the bed.

"Oh dear. Are you alright, love?" asked Octavia.

"Never better," said Noteworthy sarcastically as he pushed the fixture off him.

"Brilliant. Now drink your tea dear, it will help you relax. Oh we're going to be so happy together with our love of music. And then the foals we'll have, just think of it," said Octavia with a giggle. "Oh, I positively feel like a schoolfilly, I feel so giddy. We're going to be together forever."

She nuzzled him and placed a cup of tea next to him.

"Oh dear, Notey, your eye is twitching horribly. I'll get the doctor. I'll be right back, darling."

Noteworthy lay in bed. He was already missing the coma.

* * *

_Ponyville Elementary_

"Okay class, sit down," said Cheerilee. She was in a wheelchair with a broken hind-leg.

"Ms. Cheerilee, what happen to your leg?" asked Dinky.

"Don't ask," grumbled their normally animated teacher. "So, how was your first mating season class?"

"Disappointing," grumbled Diamond Tiara. "Just fat-flank over there and Snails over there."

"Hey!" shouted Snips.

"Snails was okay though," said DT thoughtfully.

"My wa'st okay," said Twist through her lisp.

"Scootaloo?"

"It got better once I tracked down a better mate. We'll see how he shapes up and if I want to make this more permanent."

"Can I take off this stupid shirt now?"

"No!" shouted Scootaloo.

"Where did you even get this?"

"The internet, now stop whining, I'm shaping you up to be a proper mate," said Scootaloo smacking Rumble upside the head again. Rumble sighed and leaned his head on his fore-hooves.

"I think I'm married now," said Button raising his hoof.

Everypony tuned to look at Sweetie Belle.

Sweetie Belle in true fashion you'd expect from the eccentric Button jumped on her desk and declared, "I regret nothing!"

"You perma-mated? You're ten!" exclaimed a dumbfounded Cheerilee. She threw her hooves in the air and shouted, "How does she get a mate and I don't?!"

"Just lots of careful planning and everything goes smoothly," said Sweetie Belle. Hopefully no pony saw her eight hours of failed attempts to get inside Button's house. Button didn't seem to quite understand what 'mated' or 'lover' meant. He seemed to think it meant that it was a permanent gaming buddy who liked to do 'adult things' every now and then and for some reason wanted to share a bed with him and seemed to tell him what to do. But he at least seemed enthusiastic about it.

"Anypony else want to share?" asked Cheerilee.

"Ah slept with a dragon," said Applebloom.

"Wow, that's actually pretty cool," said Diamond Tiara, surprising herself even.

"Really? Thanks."

"I'm so, like, going for Spike next year."

"He's pretty easy ta' catch. I'll show ya', how.

The strange ways in which old conflicts are settled and new friends are born.

"Oh an' Fluttershy mated with Big Mac. Ah don't know how she found 'im, but hey, Ah gots a new sista' in law."

"… I see. Thank you Applebloom. Excuse me for a second class," said Cheerilee calmly as she wheeled herself out the door.

"Where she going?" asked Silver Spoon.

"I don't know," said Dinky.

They watched their teacher roll towards a tree on the outskirts of the schoolyard and slowly and gently place her fore-hooves on it. She looked as if she was bracing herself on it for support.

"BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKK!"

And earth shattering scream shook the building and when the class looked outside again, the tree had been ripped out by its roots.

The terrified class watched their teacher calmly roll back into the room.

"Ahem, class, please free study. I'll be back later."

Too scared to say no, the class immediately started studying at a rate they have never done in their lives.

* * *

_Fluttershy's Cottage_

The gentle pegasus who lived on the edge of town answered a knock on her door.

"Oh, hi everypony," said Fluttershy in her characteristic quiet voice.

Outside was a mob of angry and jealous mares holding pitchforks and torches.

"Fluttershy!" shouted Cheerilee. "How?! How did you do it?"

Up front were the mares who had stormed Big Mac's decoy bunker, all looking the worse for wear.

"Oh well, you see. I spent years looking for him. Really since I was 10. 16 years I watched him outside the season to learn how he was and what he did… yes, so I suppose I was kinda' stalking him, but it paid off and I learned how to track his scent and identify his hoof-prints… and then when that didn't work this year I placed a special ink on his doormat so I could track his movements with an ultraviolent light," said Fluttershy as she shuffled her hooves.

"Well, if you think you can take him that easily, you have another thing coming," declared Rose Luck.

"Oh really?" asked Fluttershy.

"Yeah!" roared the mob.

"You know, I could use my freakish strength, the "stare", summon my animal friends, or any of my other abilities, but," said Fluttershy in a very unconcerned tone. She sat down and reached behind her held up a remote control. She then gave the crowd a smirk and pressed a big red button on it. "Instead, I will use something my mate/soon-to-be-husband and father of my foals, taught me how to do."

There was silence.

"Ha! Nothing happened!" shouted Lily.

**Crash!**

The mob turned and saw a giant mechanical bunny rabbit with glowing red eyes.

"Girls, meet Mecha Death Angel Bunny Mk I. Mecha Death Angel Bunny Mk I, meet the angry mob."

"Hi, Mecha Death Angel Bunny Mk I," said somepony waving earnestly. Another mare smacked her upside the head.

"MDAB, please get rid of these mares. I have a date with my fiancée to prepare for."

"Yes, Mistress," said the 4 story tall robot in a sinister computer voice.

"Thank you," said Fluttershy turning and slamming the door behind her.

"The horror," cry Lily and she passed out.

* * *

_Sweet Apple Aches_

"Mornin' y'all," said Applejack energetically with an exhausted and weary looking Carmel behind.

"How are ya', Granny."

"Ah'm a'good… what's this stallion doin' 'ere?" asked Granny pointing to Carmel.

"Carmel? Oh he's here helping breed the next generation of Apples," said Applejack. She placed some food in front of Carmel who gratefully started to eat. This had been one of the roughest mating seasons ever. At least with Applejack he wouldn't have to worry about the season anymore. Sure, she was a demanding lover in the heat, but it was over and now he was free from being chased by hormonal mares again. He could finally enjoy some peace and quiet with this mare and her family.

"Then why he's down 'ere. He should be helpin' get meh grandfoals before I kick the bucket," said Granny. "Now get back up d'ere an' don't come until one y'all are pregnant. An' Ah don't quite care who."

"Well, better get to it then. Come on, lova' boy."

"Huh? Can't I finish eating?!" cried Carmel as he was dragged by his tail out the kitchen.

"No time!" shouted the mare as she dragged Carmel away from his first moment of relaxation in days. "There will be plenty of relaxation when ya' get me pregnant."

* * *

_Wonderbolt HQ_

"Explain it to me again, Soarin," sighed Spitfire, her face planted in her hoof. She was trying to make sense of how exactly her best friend had been made the mate of a rookie flyer and Wonderbolt cadet. This was going to be a lot of awkward paperwork to fill out.

Soarin shuffled his hoof. "I was weak. She lured me in with promises of pies and sexual activities… and pies."

"Ugh, Soarin. I can't believe how no mare ever did this to you before. You and your buckin' pies," groaned the orange maned pegasus.

"Sorry?"

"Are you?"

"… no really," he said with a grin. "She's nice and a lot of fun… and she's wild in bed and there's pies."

"Just fill out that fraternization form so she doesn't get kicked out."

"Er, right, one it," said Soarin. He knew he'd be dead if his new marefriend got kicked out because of him.

* * *

_Golden Oaks Library_

A white unicorn mare knocked on the door.

"Hi, Rarity," said Twilight when she answered the door.

"Twilight, darling. How are you? How did you make out during this season?"

"Uh, long story short, I think I mated with a human."

"Say what now?" asked a stunned Rarity. She thought it was weird enough when she had come home to find out her sister had permanently mated during her first mating season. Then she saw several mares in town being chased by giant robot version of Fluttershy's pet bunny armed with laser guns and missiles. Now this? What happened while she was gone?

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, turns out Lyra wasn't that crazy after all. I saw them with my own eyes."

"I see… er, how?"

"Pinkie Pie," said Twilight flatly.

"Ah, that explains it."

"How was your season?" asked Twilight.

"Oh quite good. I think we might be seeing a little more of Fancy Pants around here," said Rarity with a knowing smile.

"Aw, that's great. He seems really nice. You knew how to romance him?"

"I have my ways, dear. And you must have quite a story too."

"Mm-hmm, after my time in the human world, I read about them. Turns out they don't have a mating cycle and they can't mark their mates like us. I wonder if I'll be seeing the one I mated with again?"

* * *

_Charlottesville, Virginia_

"And that's when I wake up, doc. Ever since those two girls broke into me and my roommates house and did us, I have these dreams over and over," said the author lying on a couch, he just finished telling his doctor the insane dream the author keeps having about a mating season and a kid's TV show he watches.

"Hmmm, well this could be a way to rationalize your confused feelings and trauma and protecting yourself by sheltering yourself with a innocent show that is free from your everyday problems…"

"Or?"

"… um, how about we call it a day and you take this prescription for antipsychotics. And this one to help you sleep… and this one for good measure."

"If you say so doc," said the author.

* * *

The end

Respectfully Submitted

Jack Hamataro Kamiya


End file.
